Thursday, 26 February 2009

Oprah's House

Last night I had a dream where I was on a mission in Oprah's house. I had been sent by a mysterious group of people who were all drinking tea and having biscuits. I wanted some biscuits too, because they were Tim-Tams, but they said I had a job to do, so I went to Oprah's house with my tomb-raiding gear on.

I distinctly remember thinking "I AM THE RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK!"

Oprah was up to no good. She had a large canister full of noxious liquid and she was going to use it for some nefarious end!

It's all a little blurry until Oprah took the canister and stood on top of a dais set high near the ceiling. I think she was going to spray it on a large group of people gathered below. She raised the canister high and the background music swelled dramatically - but I was too quick!

I was hiding in the roof!

I stuck my hands down through a hole in the ceiling and snatched it from her outstretched arms. Then I ran through some doors with Oprah hot on my tail. She was too quick for me and began to pinch me in the small of my back. It was very painful and annoying.

"Oprah!" I yelled, "You're so IMMATURE!"

"Just get out of my DAMN HOUSE!" she scolded me.

I ran around through the hallways until I reached a fish-and-chip restaurant she had on one of her many verandas. The patrons were shocked to see us running. One murmured how she'd never seen Oprah sweat before.

Then my mobile phone rang and I woke up.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

I like to think I'm up-to-date with the latest trends

Filming is just not happening today. I know. It sucks because after I got over my apathy I found I really wanted to film/edit/upload today as well. But it rained and all the light ran away. I have filmed proof of this.

If, however, you are hankering after my face then you can go to my DailyBooth profile, where there are lots of pictures of me pulling funny faces. A new picture every day in fact. I'm a class act donchaknow.

As an example of the kinds of wonders you will find there, please find enclosed my latest picture (now you know what I'm wearing oh my!):

It is captioned Aaaaah the noisy noises! With all this sound pollution I'll never get to film this video! Yes! Captioned! IT IS LIKE HUMAN LOLCATS.

It occurs to me that considering a big ol' mothersized chunkload of the users there are from YouTube, it would be a perfect place to farm pictures for Lol Tubers.

Don't talk to me about how this is the latest in a series of websites enabling an already narcissistic generation to continue revelling in its megalomania. I've heard it all before and I don't care. Also it means you don't know how to have fun and you are dead inside.

Stop whining and leave me a picture comment. You'll like it I promise.

Saturday, 21 February 2009


How many other millions of blogs out there in the Intarverse have millions of posts entitled 'Update'? Millions and millions. That's how many.

I will not break with tradition. It's a signal that this post won't be any kind of great poetry anyway.

So run awwwaaaaaayyyyyyy! Run awwaaaaayyyyyyyy!


The Poultry Press has been sitting on the edges of my mind like a deranged chicken, one eye slightly larger than the other. "SQUAK! LOOK AT ME! BA-KAWK! I AM YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES! COCKADOODLEDOO! METAPHORS ARE STRONGER THAN SIMILIES!"

That is what this particular chicken says. She is very annoying.

I've had excuses though! Oh unassailable excuses! First day my camera didn't have enough battery power left, the next day it rained all day and was too dark to film. Tomorrow I'll try again, in-between morning church and evening church.

I've started to go to morning church again; oh my. I never thought I would see the day. Someone told me I should go these next few weeks (although I can't for the life of me remember what the special reason was) and I figure I may as well keep it up after it (whatever 'it' turns out to be) is over. It would be nice to know why I'm cutting my sleeping time tomorrow morning, but I guess it'll just turn out to be a surprise.

Yay for surprises.

In other news I got a job at a Borders which (that?) is opening near where I live. I'm rather excited by this, because it means I get to work in the book industry again! I've missed it so much this past year. I like to recommend books to people. And you can bet I'm going in and leaving Nerdfighter notes in the Australian versions of Paper Towns. Maybe not in my own store, but in other stores definitely.

I won't complain if there are already Nerdfighter notes in there though, ifyaknowaddaimean.

The new job means I can see John Green (the author of Paper Towns) in Melbourne when he comes. I can visit Dan at the same time. The thought of that is more exciting than I can possibly put in to words.

Also it means my trip to Peru is becoming more and more of a sure thing. The job itself won't completely get me there, nor will another job I've picked up editing a magazine, but I should get some for my 21st birthday in about a week (5th of March).

I'll probably still need to scab money off people though... is it e-begging if I make the option available for people to donate money to my trip? It's not like I'm going on a holiday - I'll be working with street-children, like in Aladdin. They won't be Middle-Eastern though, they'll speak Spanish. Also there will be no genies voiced by Robin Williams. There will probably be singing though.

It'd be kind of lame for me to put up a PayPal link for no reason. How about we test the waters at the end of a blog post nobody will probably get to the end of? If you'd be hypothetically interested in donating money to such a trip, let me know in the comments. It's not like you're obliged to donate if you say you will though. I'm not going to hunt you down with sniffer-dogs demanding your freely-given donation. Like I said, this is a HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO!

Those were happy-caps, not angry ones.


Tuesday, 17 February 2009

And he breathed a sigh of relief

Everyone say it together with me now...

"Ohai obscurity, I've missed you"

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Hope, Strength and Delight

I haven't done a blog-blog for a while now. I guess I'm a bit afraid of getting personal with all the extra people hanging around now. Well I guess it's time I started blogging for real again, rather than only posting things that make me laugh. This isn't Tumblr you know.

I can not get the bridge of this song out of my head:

This is the Hillsong United version. It's longer than the Hillsong original (which features a particularly-hawkish Darlene Zschech), but this way you get to listen to the lovely Brooke Fraser plus you get to see Joel Houston's hobo-beard. As an extra bonus you get to hear the song sung by a couple of thousand people in what I assume is Spanish. I know you were hanging out for that ; )

Still, watch 'till the end. It has a very nice end.
All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord

Looking at those words written down, they're very simple. They're not poetic and they're not particularly powerful; that is, when they're just written down. But when you say them out loud, what do they mean? They suddenly become hard, sharp and true.

They are true. Where do I derive all my hope and strength and delight? God, who loves me. I wish there was a way I could describe to you how exactly true that sentence is. You might think it's hyperbole. It's not.

And what else would such a great love do than to spur me to instil hope and strength and delight in others?

That is my goal.

Perspective (Gloating?)

Remember when my local feature looked so mighty?

This will be the last time I ever talk about this I swear.

(Probably not though)

Friday, 13 February 2009

Poltry Press - Dan Klopp and Globally Featured!

Here are the past two Poultry Press videos, because I am awful and keep forgetting to post them. Watch the first one first and the second one second, because that's the order they go in. (It seems obvious, but what now with all the reverse-chronological posting going on online you just never know.)

Anyway, here they are:

Now I'm all up-to-date again! Go me!

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

The best hater comment I have ever received. Ever.

BoredOnMars writes:

"You don't understand how long I tried to find this goddamn video after first beholding it, attempting to comment, creating an account for the express purpose of commenting, and then re-drudging this from the slime. Now that I have found you, nearly all of my vitriol has been spent. Nearly. But not all. This meme is a disgrace, and the fact that such a prodigious number of views assails my eyes is a testament to the supreme inanity of this community and I feel soiled for being a part of it."

You don't know how stoked I am to recieve such an eloquently-worded insult. Seriously. It is amazing.

Monday, 9 February 2009

The Weight of the Email on my Shoulders


Hello all you lovely new blog followers!

Please pardon my impersonal blog post addressing you all instead of addressing just you but I'm kind of freaking out right now!

While I managed to kinda-sorta keep up with the email and comments last night when I first noticed I was featured (I'll tell the whole story some other time) those 7 hours I spent sleeping have really filled up my inbox with all kinds of things!

This is what I woke up to this morning:

So I had to do some reshuffling in Gmail. Everything but comments and new subscriptions gets automatically deleted. Comments and new subscriptions get sent to the YouTube tag/folder I've got going, which is automatically archived but still shows up in a separate inbox that I can see. So at least now I won't miss an important email because it has been drowned by the three-thousand-odd of emails I've received in the last 15 hours.

I feel really awful I'm not going to be able to get back to everyone and thank them for subscribing. I mean... I could try, but it would probably take me a year to do so. I don't know, I guess with the way I've got it set up now it means I can take my time... but do I have the time?

I can barely read everyone's comments on my videos there are so many!

This is crazy. Good crazy, but still crazy. I'll calm down soon enough I'm sure but for now please humour me while I try and deal with this in my own special way.

Saturday, 7 February 2009

You thought I was joking...



See?! I was serious! That ice-cream container isn't moving for two weeks. I'm gonna starve that little zombie bastard out. I'm not letting him eat my brains and lay his zombie-eggs in my ear. Male zombie-spiders lay eggs too. It's now an established fact.

Friday, 6 February 2009

My Girlfriend, the Internet

According to this comic my girlfriend is the Internet.

I think therein lies my problem.


Thursday, 5 February 2009

Greatest Photo Ever

I got sent a photo today.

In the photo I am about 11 years old. I am standing in-between my two 11 year old friends Jeshua and Sarah and they are playing guitars. I am singing into a piece of yellow tube as if it is a microphone.

We are all wearing oversized t-shirts that go almost to our knees.

We are all wearing underpants on our heads.

We all have our pants around our ankles.

And I have a trumpet in my ear.

I am not making this up, nor can I for the life of me remember why this photo exists.

Should I ever gain access to a scanner I will show this photo to you because I have a funny feeling it is the greatest moment of my life; captured on film; sent to me today in the mail.

Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Frickety Frick Frick Forgot! Poultry Press: Heat Wave

I forgot to embed my latest Poultry Press video here for the people who only ever watch my videos when they are embedded in my blog posts (there are a few of you).

This video is from last Friday:


Twitter Spammers

It pains me to give spammers any more attention than they deserve (which is, of course, no attention) but I couldn't help but laugh at how creative they are getting on Twitter.

Click for biggerrrrr

Puppy Yoda promoting get-rich-quick sites? Surely that's a sign of the Apocalypse or something!

It was such a struggle to post this here; why promote the (no doubt scam) websites any more than this account is already? I compromised by blurring the URLs to make any foolishness all the harder to follow through on.

Oh! Oh! Fantastic News!

I totes forgot to blog this last night. Totes.

I've picked up some work writing and editing for my church's new magazine. My official title is going to be "Editor".

I'm an editor! How fancy does that sound!

Shan't be using the word 'totes' in my new capacity as editor. I should though. But I won't.

Monday, 2 February 2009

From the OLD Fillet Skillet

Way back in the day I had a blog on Windows Live Spaces (ick!) It's still there full of my posts, but I've had to take down all the posts I made about work because it is findable when you Google my full name. (This is the main reason why I don't use my last name on this blog by the way.)

I was a much better blogger back then I reckon. You know, before video stole my soul. I saved all my work-related posts before I deleted them, and I'll share some clips with you here. Sometimes they're not all about work because I talked about more than one thing at a time in each post (bad blogging form!):

Dated 26th of June 2006:

"They say that customer service jobs are the worst ones for your health because you have to smile when you feel like slapping someone. That causes stress that causes bad gremlins to start to attack your youthful looks and good humour. That's why all the old women who still work in supermarkets look like witches and sound like power drills.

Or it could be the smoking."

Dated 14th of July 2006

Did I mention that my cousin and his mum and step-dad are staying with us right now? Yes they are. He's good at making me look bad because he's 14 and practices Viola or something for 2 hours evey day. Plus he knows classical music by name, compser and movement. I sneaked a look at his iPod yesterday just to see what was on it. Bach and Chopin mostly. But then right at the bottom there was, of all things, that song from the South Park Movie, Carl's Mom is a Bitch.

That's all for now, but I'll treat you to some full posts later. Most of it is completely harmless and not damaging to my future employment prospects at all. There are just a few things in there I don't particluarly want easily findable online now.

Sunday, 1 February 2009

Facebook: What the..?

Today I logged in to Facebook (or is it just 'facebook' - I can never tell.)

I saw this ad in the ad bar:

Fitness ads aimed at pastors. Um... what?